I was reading this and nodding along like "yeah, that do be how it is" all normal-like, and then I got to that Rothfield citation, for the Cronenberg essay, and now I have to take time out to figure out how to bypass the New Yorker's paywall so that I can read the original, because omg. What a fascinating recommendation, thank you!!
"the increasingly narrow concept of consent, which presupposes a prior knowledge of our desires and experiences and which equates ‘good’ with ‘comfortable’"
Well, that's wrong.
Consent means willingness in the moment. You are allowed to be exploratory, experimental, uncertain, nervous, vulnerable, or whatever... *if you choose it.* No one is allowed to force any of that on you.
You are allowed to change your mind at any point (but you do have to communicate this).
And it has a unique implication for people with ocd in relationships, especially moral or relationship ocd. These trends have us feeling like there is a right way to love. This is why I deleted instagram and twitter all together. Wonderful essay!!!!
I am so glad you recommended me this! It was comforting in a perhaps odd way, a reminder to separate my feelings on love and romance away from online. While reading I was continuously thinking of moments where I had fallen for those quick romantic tips on social media and how I had let it lead to insecurity. Essentially I was reminded to touch grass 🫣🤭 Thank you!
The component of lack of support for women is missing from this analysis imo. If you look through generations, "love is not a transaction" and the concept of unconditional love has been hailed. My mother would say the same, but who did most of the housework? the childcare?
how many stories have we heard of husbands deferring majority of the childcare to the mother while she's post partum? there's a reason for these insecurities.
They dont manifest in a productive way where a solution comes out of it and creators like shelby and the algorithm itself exploit this insecurity but its not a purely digital thing.
This is annecdotal, but every woman I know that is participating in dating in any form is constantly nervous about trusting a man and then ending up in a relationship where she's, essentially, alone. Where the man wont do the dishes if she does the cooking. Where she has to meal prep dinner for an adult for 5 days if she's out of town etc. etc.
I dont know, we're also just grasping for control over something that we cant. There's no way to know the future with certainty and surely women smarter than us or just like us have ended up in exploitative relationships. It seems like there's never enough vetting you can do to not end up as another statistic at worse or married single mother at best. These tiktok trends are not a good measure or a productive way to figure out anything, but there's a reason its mostly women.
Literally like 🤯🤯...the bit about the erotic being inter- human is DELICIOUS
thank you!! you absolutely must read the Becca Rothfield essay!
I was reading this and nodding along like "yeah, that do be how it is" all normal-like, and then I got to that Rothfield citation, for the Cronenberg essay, and now I have to take time out to figure out how to bypass the New Yorker's paywall so that I can read the original, because omg. What a fascinating recommendation, thank you!!
Yess isn’t it such a great position? It’s included in her book too!
"the increasingly narrow concept of consent, which presupposes a prior knowledge of our desires and experiences and which equates ‘good’ with ‘comfortable’"
Well, that's wrong.
Consent means willingness in the moment. You are allowed to be exploratory, experimental, uncertain, nervous, vulnerable, or whatever... *if you choose it.* No one is allowed to force any of that on you.
You are allowed to change your mind at any point (but you do have to communicate this).
And it has a unique implication for people with ocd in relationships, especially moral or relationship ocd. These trends have us feeling like there is a right way to love. This is why I deleted instagram and twitter all together. Wonderful essay!!!!
I am so glad you recommended me this! It was comforting in a perhaps odd way, a reminder to separate my feelings on love and romance away from online. While reading I was continuously thinking of moments where I had fallen for those quick romantic tips on social media and how I had let it lead to insecurity. Essentially I was reminded to touch grass 🫣🤭 Thank you!
The component of lack of support for women is missing from this analysis imo. If you look through generations, "love is not a transaction" and the concept of unconditional love has been hailed. My mother would say the same, but who did most of the housework? the childcare?
how many stories have we heard of husbands deferring majority of the childcare to the mother while she's post partum? there's a reason for these insecurities.
They dont manifest in a productive way where a solution comes out of it and creators like shelby and the algorithm itself exploit this insecurity but its not a purely digital thing.
This is annecdotal, but every woman I know that is participating in dating in any form is constantly nervous about trusting a man and then ending up in a relationship where she's, essentially, alone. Where the man wont do the dishes if she does the cooking. Where she has to meal prep dinner for an adult for 5 days if she's out of town etc. etc.
I dont know, we're also just grasping for control over something that we cant. There's no way to know the future with certainty and surely women smarter than us or just like us have ended up in exploitative relationships. It seems like there's never enough vetting you can do to not end up as another statistic at worse or married single mother at best. These tiktok trends are not a good measure or a productive way to figure out anything, but there's a reason its mostly women.
Screamed reading this entire post. BRB going through the rest of your archive now…
ahhhh thank you!! good screams only I hope 😌